I don’t know how to function as a human being anymore. I don’t know how to keep lasting relationships and I suck at maintaining them. My best friend and I finally confronted the rift between us and it hurts. It hurts so bad because I know it’s mostly my fault because I’m so stuck on this shitty period of my life where I feel so lost. I’m always worrying about my grades, which suck, which is why I never do my homework. I failed a class and now I feel like I won’t be able to move on and have an adequate future as an adult. My best friend told me these are things I shouldn’t worry about, but how can I not? I can’t just drop it, even if it’s the logical thing to do. Then it got me thinking about how I don’t even talk to my other best friend anymore. If we can still call it that? I can barely maintain eye contact with her when I see her, and I can’t even remember the last time I hung out with her, let alone had a full conversation with her. I know crying doesn’t help or solve anything, yet here I am, crying and typing this stupid post about my shitty personal life. And god, everything hurts so bad. I never see my parents anymore, and my mom has been having issues with my step-dad. And I want to say it doesn’t affect me and that they’ll eventually resolve their petty and immature fights like they always do but I’m not sure anymore. God I feel disgusting and wow I hate crying. I haven’t even reached the point of sobbing yet I feel like it’ll happen soon. 

I even briefly thought about hanging out with this guy today but then I realized I’d probably break down and need comfort. There goes that suggestion. I don’t need him and I don’t need him pitying me.

I’m so tired all the time. I’m so tired of school and tired of being this young and worried about things that are out of my control. By the end of the week I just go to sleep from exhaustion. I spend my Friday nights sleeping and my weekends alone on the internet or playing video games. By the end of the week I shun interaction with people. I’m so tired. I think people assume I don’t want to be friends with them because I always want to be alone, which isn’t really true. I still value my friends, I just need to be alone. I miss everyone though.

I don’t know what to do anymore. This is turning into emotional vomit.